Serenity

A disposition free from stress or emotion / the absence of mental stress or anxiety

What is this worth? Is this something humanity really goes after? Is it something only fools and madmen attempt to partake of? Is there a point where a person's soul is too tortured and cannot live outside of at least a false serenity?This I believe is the reason that many fall into cults. They aren't your everyday nice guys with nothing going on, though they appear that way, they are normally those who's souls are damned by deep pains that they might indeed hide.What pain and anguish is too much, why is the human condition so that these pains are normal? Why why why? The answer to this question is never satisfying and always makes the responder look a little silly.But yet what else is there.A very dear friend asked me tonight what it is I seek. What possesses me to make sometimes drastic changes to my life. My response was peace.Peace, the one thing I have longed for, but has always been denied. Artificial peace was offered, but outside of the bubble in my soul where I dwelt, was nothing more that the ravaging pain that was walled off, growing stronger by the day. Nothing in this life is worth living for. It is all VANITY.Vain are the days of our youth. Vain are our lives. Where does the test end and the journey begin, or visa Versa, whichever the case may be. What is my mind that I could chose to question God. To tear at the tatters of the religion that was bestowed upon me. All I meet are various degrees of hypocrites. All claiming to love their God, but by their words and actions denying the very being they claim to love. I listen to their theology, but none of them live it. I cannot live int his realm of self delusion. I revile it. the stench of such things makes me sick. I have tried, but the battle wages on. The terror and agony that besets me never retreats, no ceasefire is ever drawn.We all agree that gravity is a law, and we understand that to defy is impossible. You can with enough shear strength bend the law, slightly but you are really only getting to more complex parts of the law. The law though still stands.If we really believed what our theology supposes we do, we would show it by our actions. Our actions though defy the very law of gravity as it were.onward with the sojourn, as the very breath of life is choked by my vomit, I wince in pain at the contempt for my being, the battle rages on.

Lust

Being a sojourner of the experience of being human, I am contemplative of the root of all sorrow. There is no more greater a driving force in the will of humanity than lust. Lust not being the Erotic desires of men, but being that driving passion for gain, to grab at that which we do not have. The lust of power, the lust of money, the lust of fame, the lust of women, the lust of men: all these are lust, and all the same. Like a alcoholic that dries up, or a meth head that goes sober, so is it with lust. More often than not the object of lust changes, but the desire remains. In an instant when we realize that our ever pressing for our object is not satisfying our carnal drive, it is many times the case that we just change our object.

From flesh to money, or from money to friends, from friends to money, from power to flesh: it's just a change in the object, always will we have our Precious. In the stark contrast of good vs evil we found what was once a merry pot puffing hobbit, has now become a sinister creature, but only when he feels that someone is trying to snatch his lust object away from him. A ring that is the totality of all the world's lust, lust at it's perfection, imbued into a single gold ring. What a horrifying thought to be driven by such a ring, but how many of us, after reading the novel or watching the movie secretly wished to posses that very ring? To have all the power... maybe we diluted ourselves to saying that only if we could have the power without the consequences, but really we do that every day with our lusts...that is we pretend that the effects are never there. Still we push for the object, as a moth to the flame. This is not some great evil of our day, or the end of things in this dark age. How diluted a people we are to think that things are bad now. Things are better than they have ever been. Or have we rewrote history so perfectly and made many a Saint in every age that we believe that the world today is a far greater corrupt place than ever their was. The puritan ideal that we believe has ever existed never was. This is the only age that brothels do not openly plague the streets. There is no great falling away in the churches today, there is just a reality check that are delusions are not true.

What can we say, this world is filled with lust, from when Eve desired that forbidden fruit, lust entered the world, and that is what lust is, having which we should not, going against the order of the world, trying to manipulate the laws of this realm.

I have nothing to say really. Lust is with us, the drive for evil, but what would we be like without lust. Is the human condition possible without lust? Is sober-mindedness a possible reality? It is sought after for by many through the ages, but was it ever made complete? Is it a race that can really be won?There are no answers. For many a nights has there been a beating of chest, and a humble and contrite heart laid waist, but the answers have been far from coming. There is no answer from the heavens when I speak. For if there were, would it not be in a way that I should know the voice is speaking? What master tells his servants to but come, and they cry out to find the way, the master tells his servants it is a plain path, that all men should follow, but will not allow the servant to hear and see that he might walk on the path of the master.And with this I must continue to sojourn, for vanity prevails either way, but a loss of hope brings even greater yet a tragedy.

Romeo and Juliet

So last night I went to see the Shakespeare classic, Romeo and Juliet. And even though I don't like when classics are metaled with, the bust-out swing dance scene with no real transition was pulled off wonderfully. Props Heather.

Anyway on with the blog. So I got to thinking, and how twisted fate is. You either like a person or they like you, until one day your desires are beaten down to a point that you don't care and are Wotan for anyone who will smile at your face and say they love you.

People say they find love and that love is for everyone. But if we have to compromise away all that is idealistic, or in constant worry that the person we are with could cheat at any moment, did we really find love?

If my only real goal I've ever had was to have happiness, and happiness has all but eluded me, what then should my goal be? To suffer then? For if by pursuit of happiness suffering found, then by pursuit of suffering happiness should be found. Alas, this is not the case, for the very nature of this realm is but that of suffering. That because of some deed of an ancestor of my ancestor we are all on this ball meant to torture the souls of those entrapped on it.

What then shall we say of love, but a construct meant to make us hope and control our desire? If this is so what be the point? Alas we must conclude that love is more and that it will not always allude, or we have no hope and no reason to continue.

Continue we must and so again I say, love awaits, even if this utterance is self delusion, for in my self delusion I can at least carry on.