Sojourning, a day at home sick.

All thoughts are welcome.

As I sit here with the longing desire for companionship, I race a million thoughts through my head at once trying to make sense of everything.

It is obvious that the natural state of all people is to desire intimate companionship. The story of the garden in Eden describes to us why. We are not whole as male or female. God separated a complete being, so that to fill the need for another we could look to ourselves. It is very interesting that God saw fit to do this when we had a relationship with him. Also when God did separate the complete being and make two that were necessarily interdependent on each other, he knew that they would choose each other over him, as seen when Adam eats the fruit instead of turning her in for the trespass. Why is it that God would do that? It's not that I want to question the judgment of the creator of all things, God did give me this mind though, and I'm betting I'm expected to use it.

So what is it that I should do? I'm told by married people that I should just pursue God, and that as I'm going along on the way that I can look beside me and whoever is running with me ….. Blah blah blah. I see this as utter foolishness. For one thing no one does that. I challenge anyone to tell me they were going along doing their ministry and one day they said, "hmm, I've been at this for a few months or years now, maybe someone is doing the same ministry, and would make a good wife, lets look around and see." Fat chance, not going to happen. They noticed them from the moment they walked into their lives.

So why do we play all these coy games? Honestly, I can think of at least 3 or 4 women who I find attractive and wish I could get to know better. The funny thing is I know that any one of them would make a wonderful wife, and I knew that after minutes of talking to them. Most people who read this will think a few things from that statement, from "he's crazy" to "he's immature and idealistic" to "totally off base". The fact of the matter is that more people get married by arranged marriages in the world today, then people that pick their own spouse. So riddle me this. How is it that the arranged marriages have great odds of success and our pick your spouse marriages have a high rate of failure?

Ahh but this is too easy. It comes down simply to humility, and meekness. As someone who has been through a failed marriage, I can tell you, 90% of it is dying to yourself and being committed to making it work. But it didn't work for me. Yes, this is true, and this is true because I should not have been married to that woman. Besides the environmental concerns around us getting together there was also the statistics that made a successful marriage nearly impossible. From the 15, 13, and 11 year old sons of hers, to her being 35 years old and myself 25, to her making twice as much money as me at the time, and the list goes on. But those by themselves can all be excuses. Then there is the previous drug use on her part for 10 years and the lingering paranoia associated with all that. Still that was not enough. The fact that I was recovering from a porn addiction, that was caused by my early childhood, and she was a full blown sex fiend. That made things much harder. The fact that although I could and did forgive her of every little thing she did, she could not forgive not taking the trash out, because it was the end of the day (whether it needed it or not), this had a lot to do with it. No all these things and many more were contributing factors to the divorce. But this is not what caused it. The action that drove her to ask for the divorce was this: in marriage counseling I set the bar at working things out as only in the therapists office, and that I did not feel that any real resolutions could come outside of his walls for the time being. The next morning she called me and told me she wanted a divorce, and she demanded alimony. I paid her electricity for the rest of the year, because I knew she couldn't and didn't want the children to go through that hardship.

The point of all this is that if one person compromises and dies to themselves, the a marriage can almost work. If both people are willing to go even half way you will have a successful marriage. If both people can go all the way, nothing but death it's self will be able to separate two people. So seriously, lets get over ourselves. There is no right one, there is no "perfect person that God created for me". Two people talk, have charisma, feel that chemical draw when they sense a like or compatible response from the soul of another, well give it enough time to make sure that they both are up to the challenge of dying to themselves and starting a life with the other person. As long as they don't drive you nuts on anything huge, well you should do just fine.

I'm not saying have a shotgun wedding, I'm just saying that we make things much more complicated than they need to be. Every one of us knows if we like a person and knows if we don't. I wish I could take everyone in my circle of influence and make them honestly answer every person that they feel compatible with as lovers, friends, associates, or in no way. That we could all be mature about it, and live with the results of said survey. People would have to get over childish issues and be real.

I hate having to hid my feelings for a person because they might get scared off. Seriously, and this isn't a have to hide the feelings because she might get creeped out because I'm weird and she wouldn't have anything to do with me ever anyway, but because things are so awkward with so many people that no one knows how to handle this kind of thing anymore.
Multiple people can like multiple other people and that should be fine. The human heart can be fond of multiple people at one time without there being something wrong with them. When it moves beyond that, and a commitment is involved, that is a different story all together. I don't know, I'm mostly just rambling. Maybe I'm just too impatient. Maybe God is withholding the floodgates at this time because I'm in the valley below and need to get to the other side before he can release all his blessing. Or maybe the valley that I am in is the blessing that God has for me and that I am recovering. Who knows. I enjoy my flesh searing too much and need to just let it stew in the pot and get done. You can't apply too much heat to Gold while smelting or it will all burn away…. Too many metaphors and parables, not enough straight answers.

We all have goals for ourselves, and things we need to do in order to feel achieved and successful. That we are really doing the work that God called us too, and that our Father is pleased with us. Maybe this is all fleshly and the desires of youth. Maybe we don't need to go on mission trips and be evangelists, be on staff at a church to be really doing the work we were called to. Otherwise how dysfunctional would we be. I'm not saying that some people aren't called for such things. Maybe I'm not. Is that wrong? What is it that I really am called to? What if it's nothing? What if I'm just supposed to be? Is it my pride that riles against that thought? Were all those pastors prophesying about me and the calling that God has for me wrong? Were the feelings in my own heart wrong? Was it all to get attention? Was I over achieving my whole life to feel accepted? What if at the same time I don't let myself be accepted? What if the real problem is I find a way to be edgy against whatever group I am around not to be controversial, but to make sure I cannot be accepted, in some sort of self fulfilling prophecy.

Well I know that a lot of those things are foolish questions because I already know the answer.

I'm not always controversial, I am outspoken, and when people disagree on topics, I tend to focus on that subject. It's out of some ingrained draw to build people. I think that if two brothers are in disagreement that the best course of action is to focus on it, and have a verbal spar about it maturely. Even if they never agree and only disagree all the more, both parties should be sharper for it, and that is good.

I'm perfectly content being a layperson, and in fact I do feel that is the spot that I am called to for at least the next 5 years. I have no aspirations for leadership. At least not formal leadership.

Is that enough of an adventure for any woman who really has a passion for God? Is it appealing? "Hey, I'm planting myself right here, I'm going to work at a job, maybe move up, and enjoy life. I'm not going to try to have any advancements in leadership at the church, and I'm just going to relax for once. Want to join me?"

Is there someone out there that really desires that? That can live with all my eccentric behaviour and off the wall thoughts on things. That will argue the wrong side of a debate because it is more fun. That challenges the status quo because it is the status quo.

Do I scare women off because that's the way I am? Do they feel that they can't please me because I want someone like that?

What if I'm looking for balance? What if I'm looking for someone to call me on my crap, and sense when I'm pushing someone too far and I need to let the prey go.

So tell me what you think of all or any of this.