Serenity

A disposition free from stress or emotion / the absence of mental stress or anxiety

What is this worth? Is this something humanity really goes after? Is it something only fools and madmen attempt to partake of? Is there a point where a person's soul is too tortured and cannot live outside of at least a false serenity?This I believe is the reason that many fall into cults. They aren't your everyday nice guys with nothing going on, though they appear that way, they are normally those who's souls are damned by deep pains that they might indeed hide.What pain and anguish is too much, why is the human condition so that these pains are normal? Why why why? The answer to this question is never satisfying and always makes the responder look a little silly.But yet what else is there.A very dear friend asked me tonight what it is I seek. What possesses me to make sometimes drastic changes to my life. My response was peace.Peace, the one thing I have longed for, but has always been denied. Artificial peace was offered, but outside of the bubble in my soul where I dwelt, was nothing more that the ravaging pain that was walled off, growing stronger by the day. Nothing in this life is worth living for. It is all VANITY.Vain are the days of our youth. Vain are our lives. Where does the test end and the journey begin, or visa Versa, whichever the case may be. What is my mind that I could chose to question God. To tear at the tatters of the religion that was bestowed upon me. All I meet are various degrees of hypocrites. All claiming to love their God, but by their words and actions denying the very being they claim to love. I listen to their theology, but none of them live it. I cannot live int his realm of self delusion. I revile it. the stench of such things makes me sick. I have tried, but the battle wages on. The terror and agony that besets me never retreats, no ceasefire is ever drawn.We all agree that gravity is a law, and we understand that to defy is impossible. You can with enough shear strength bend the law, slightly but you are really only getting to more complex parts of the law. The law though still stands.If we really believed what our theology supposes we do, we would show it by our actions. Our actions though defy the very law of gravity as it were.onward with the sojourn, as the very breath of life is choked by my vomit, I wince in pain at the contempt for my being, the battle rages on.