It's happening again - deep inside the heart of pain

I don't know where this is coming from, or how to fight it.

I see it here again, in my life. Why is it that I face this once again. I thought it was through, I thought I was clean, complete and whole. Why is it that again, one year later the same feelings start creeping back into my life. I once again feel in love, I once again am helpless against it. I once again have ever sort of vial coming back out of me. Out of my heart spews black tar, the pain and agony of a life destined for hell beacons to me once again. I stand firmer than last year. My faith is built up by firm theology.

But what happens when the theology seems to fade. When you beseech God for the flesh to die, but your will and your flesh are against you. What do you do when you set your mind on the things of God, but your flesh, heart, and will still ache for lawlessness. What do you say to your friends, your peers, those you are to council, those in authority that count on you...what do you say to God...

I'm on my face, in the mud, wanting to turn back, my flesh surges to once again delight in the pleasures that it now trips me on. It beacons, it shakes. I become uncontrollable, the things I want to do, I do not do, the things I do not want, I do...Who will save me from this flesh of death.

At what point is controlling your actions self righteousness, and at what point are you to give up on your flesh, and not feel a burden for the evil actions of it's filth. At what point do you start cutting off body parts to save your soul.

I once again come to the crossroad of having no answers.