My Redemption - Some graphic detail
This is from about a year ago. It’s graphic, but it’s real. From a time when I was real with myself, and image meant nothing. I am returning there, it is a hard struggle. This is me just after my repentance and rededication to Messiah.
Who am I? Where am I? What have I done that will live on?
I’m 22 (now 23), I have my stories, so many stories, and most of them unfortunately true.
I have partied more than I care to remember. I have been with more women than I know. I have ravaged their bodies, taking advantage of their pain, the lies they have been told, and all their sorrow, to feed my shallow, haunting, self-serving pleasure. I have pushed farther and farther, in empty pursuit of quenching this burning pain, to levels of depravity unimaginable to most people. In the heat of the moment the intensity makes you trust the lies you have been told, you feel like you just might have found a remedy to your pain, your suffering, the burning whole in your heart. The endorphin rush starts and you feel like you have reached an end to the suffering……….then it hits. All that build up, all that hope, crushed. Failure. You might pretend for a second you care. You might even be so good at deception that you think you care. Eventually you roll over. Then it starts… The caving in… The great vast chambers of the human soul, where our God, Lord and Creator of all is to shine gloriously out of us, it is his temple, that he created for this purpose. We have made this place a place of idolatry. As we worship this false god we call love and dedicate more and more of ourselves to this beast our walls to our soul start ot crumble. Rats infest our cellars; cockroaches scurry in every dark place. The deep treasure chambers, which are to be filled with the Glory of God, are cesspools of filth and rotten spoils. A gut-wrenching odor fills the hallways; the springs that were meant to over flow with the Holy Spirit spit up poisonous waste. What have we done to the temple? Why were we promised joy and love, when we only get death and sorrow?
The hurt returns, only stronger, pushing you to greater acts of depravity to maybe reach what you drive for every day. You hope it will be reached today, you hope for today to be the day that your soul stops hurting. Maybe today? It never is that day.
The people you hurt, you don’t care about them, you might tell yourself you do, you might even be able to lie to yourself and think you care. You know you really don’t. You hurt them, they hurt you, it’s a rat race, and it’s all about trying to get pleasure out of each other. That is what you are to do right?
What then do we do? I voice from my youth cries out, “Repent, turn to God, tear down your idols and return to your God, who has redeemed you. He has died for you his bride, that you might be saved”
So I get on my face. I cry out, in despair. “Save me oh father, for I have run from you, I did not head your warnings, I ran away to squander the inheritance that you gave to me.”
My will breaks, my body crumbles and I no longer can hold up my defenses. All is okay. I have run home, out of the hog swaller, I am back in my father’s kingdom, in his love, under his protection. Blessed be his glorious name, who grants mercy and forgiveness for all.
Who am I? Where am I? What have I done that will live on?
I’m 22 (now 23), I have my stories, so many stories, and most of them unfortunately true.
I have partied more than I care to remember. I have been with more women than I know. I have ravaged their bodies, taking advantage of their pain, the lies they have been told, and all their sorrow, to feed my shallow, haunting, self-serving pleasure. I have pushed farther and farther, in empty pursuit of quenching this burning pain, to levels of depravity unimaginable to most people. In the heat of the moment the intensity makes you trust the lies you have been told, you feel like you just might have found a remedy to your pain, your suffering, the burning whole in your heart. The endorphin rush starts and you feel like you have reached an end to the suffering……….then it hits. All that build up, all that hope, crushed. Failure. You might pretend for a second you care. You might even be so good at deception that you think you care. Eventually you roll over. Then it starts… The caving in… The great vast chambers of the human soul, where our God, Lord and Creator of all is to shine gloriously out of us, it is his temple, that he created for this purpose. We have made this place a place of idolatry. As we worship this false god we call love and dedicate more and more of ourselves to this beast our walls to our soul start ot crumble. Rats infest our cellars; cockroaches scurry in every dark place. The deep treasure chambers, which are to be filled with the Glory of God, are cesspools of filth and rotten spoils. A gut-wrenching odor fills the hallways; the springs that were meant to over flow with the Holy Spirit spit up poisonous waste. What have we done to the temple? Why were we promised joy and love, when we only get death and sorrow?
The hurt returns, only stronger, pushing you to greater acts of depravity to maybe reach what you drive for every day. You hope it will be reached today, you hope for today to be the day that your soul stops hurting. Maybe today? It never is that day.
The people you hurt, you don’t care about them, you might tell yourself you do, you might even be able to lie to yourself and think you care. You know you really don’t. You hurt them, they hurt you, it’s a rat race, and it’s all about trying to get pleasure out of each other. That is what you are to do right?
What then do we do? I voice from my youth cries out, “Repent, turn to God, tear down your idols and return to your God, who has redeemed you. He has died for you his bride, that you might be saved”
So I get on my face. I cry out, in despair. “Save me oh father, for I have run from you, I did not head your warnings, I ran away to squander the inheritance that you gave to me.”
My will breaks, my body crumbles and I no longer can hold up my defenses. All is okay. I have run home, out of the hog swaller, I am back in my father’s kingdom, in his love, under his protection. Blessed be his glorious name, who grants mercy and forgiveness for all.
posted by Zack Dawley at 8:32 PM
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