Lamb or Pig

People need God that is for sure. God is good and while walking in his will everything is a divine moment. I had a 2 1/2 hour chat with a Christian on the way to Portland, we had a dialogue about the rapture and all that, but then we got into addiction and how to help people through it, the truth about grace and how repentance works, how we can remain sinning but not sinners, a million amazing things. He was flying back from a mission that he worked at in Mexico, some part of John Corson's ministries. It was Amazing, we got to sit across the aisle and just rap about God for the whole flight.

Addiction and sin: what to say, how do you survive your theology if you don’t receive immediate recovery and do not have to deal with this any longer? What did the Apostle Paul say in 2 Corinthians 12

7To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Normally we take this as poor vision or some other physical aliment, because well it’s the Apostle Paul, he cannot be a dirty sinner. But isn’t it he who writes “That which I do not want to do I do, and that which I want to do, I cannot do. Who will free me from this body of flesh?” What do we think he is talking about? Why do we make his words into something other than what he says? He is saying that he hates sin but still does it, he wants to do what is good, and doesn’t do it, and aches for freedom. So what then, should we go on sinning so Grace can abound? Heaven forbid!

Psalms 97:10 Let those who love the LORD hate evil, for he guards the lives of his faithful ones and delivers them from the hand of the wicked.

And

Proverbs 8:13 To fear the LORD is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech.

It is obvious that we have to hate evil to say we love God, but yet we will go on sinning. There is not one out there reading this that today, in this very hour have not committed a sin, that in and of itself would condemn you to a eternity of hellfire. Rejoice not in this fact, but the fact that you are justified according to the Spirit of God, not according to the flesh.

This is not to say that we should take sin lightly. What I am telling you today that it’s not about that sin, there is no one sin that you will commit that will keep you from heaven, what will keep you there is not relying on your salvation to come from God. It is not by works of righteousness that you have done but according to his mercy. Salvation is outside of time. It wasn’t a moment, now you have to live the right way in order to keep it. With all these things there has to be the counterbalance, and that is that if you are saved, if you have repented, that there will be works befitting repentance in your life, you will change, the scales will fall from your eyes and you will be a new man, a man of spirit and not of flesh.

God says he will give you a new heart and a new mind; your passions and reasoning. He has not yet given us a new flesh. We still have this dirty corrupted body with all it’s desires. Can and does God free us from our sins and addictions? Yes and amen, it is not always an overnight process, in fact when it does happen I will stand up and say that it was a miracle to build up your faith.

We’ll use me as an example. When I turned my life back to God June 23rd 2004, I was more than a pack a day smoker, this was only one of my more apparent vices, but it was something I asked for freedom in, in that instant that I prayed and those that were surrounding me in faith said amen, I was delivered. The addiction was gone and my flesh was healed. I could no longer stand the smell of smoking and it was no longer desirable. But that is not the only thing I was addicted to, and some things even now today I am not free from. God is doing a work in me and that area is much weaker in power against my spirit that they were. Do I still stumble? Yes. Do I still fall down? If only it were not so. Do I ever choke on the mud that I am breathing in because I cannot even look up I have fallen so deep? If only I could be freed from this body of flesh!!!

This guy I met on the plane told me a way of looking at it that Corsen uses. I cannot agree more, so I will use it. There is a difference between Sheep and Pigs, now besides the apparent; there is what occurs when they get dirty. See you can clean and lamb and you can clean a pig. When a pig falls into the mud it rejoices and wallows in it; when a lamb falls into mud it cries and it is bleating as if it were in immense pain.

See before our regeneration we are unclean creatures, we are pigs. As we go about our day when we encounter sin we rejoice and take pleasure in it. But now as regenerated creatures we are the sheep of his pasture. When we find ourselves in sin we bleat out in agony. We hate this sin we are in, even though we cannot find a way to get clean, we need our good Sheppard to restore us to cleanliness. So then I ask this:

Which is the lamb and which the hog? The well presented Christian that carries his bible around and makes judgments in his mind as to the hearts of those around him, or the meth addicted man that cannot control his desires to snort up but beats his chest in agony for freedom?
Brian did ask me though, if we are to apply this, how do we council those who are beating their chest. Through my walk and battle, I have in fact had a thorn of the flesh that has impeded my ability to serve in what capacity I thought was befitting, this was actually keeping me in humility and cutting down my pride, otherwise I would have choked on it. Needless, when I was divorced a year ago I was in so much pain and agony, I was face down in the mire and could not breath, I could not look upon the Lord and though I was learning about my addiction, I was not able to withstand even for a day against my addiction. I would come to my meetings and admit that I was nothing but a failure, and honestly was not ready to be saved.

What I did learn was this, in those moments that you aren’t looking for the fix, do your best to read that leather bound book that you see as your judge, it is judge but also lover. If you can just start washing, you will be progressing. As you learn to take pleasure in the word and in worship, your instinct will be reprogramming, each time you come to a point where you feel like you cannot take it, you will turn to God more and more, instead of that fix that is currently consuming you. But even if you’ve taken that fix 7 times today, if you hate it and look at heaven, no matter how deep in that pit you are, salvation is at hand.

We want these things to be in an instant, which they can but rarely ever are. They take time, and just resting in the Lord. What we need is not judgment, but people willing to carry this burden with us, those that are healed in this area. If I am addicted to alcohol, I don’t need to be talking about how much I love alcohol, because I’m programming everything into my brain, what I need is to be professing the Psalmist, of how I delight in the Lord. No matter how untrue it feels to say, make this your heart cry.

Victory could be years away, but even if it takes as many years to get out as it took to get in, is it not still worth the fight? It is and amen.

No man can judge the heart of another, we never no the state that they are actually in, but God is the judge and we are the servants. If we feel like someone is not doing what they are professing, it was given to us from above as knowledge, so we can help them, so we can come along side them and pray for them. WE ARE NOT TO CONDEMN ONE ANOTHER.

Finding Myself

So the last few weeks I've been getting restless. At first I began thinking that there was something wrong with me. That I just couldn't settle down and enjoy life for what it is. That I needed to stick things out and live with my life and make it work, but the desire to run has just gotten stronger. But at the same time I do not think it's a desire to run, as much as it's a desire to find.

Moving down here to San Diego was the worst, and yet the best choice I could have made. On the surface it is horrible, I'm not a good fit, I have to constantly bite my tongue and not get in arguments about every needless little thing. The weather is most disagreeable for me, all in all, it's not the life for me. I must do something different.

On the other hand, it did get me out of Portland, which although I love, was causing me nothing but pain and was my mire. I don't know how I've changed, but people seem to think that I have.

Also I have been desperately desiring love, which has completely alluded me. I haven't been able to figure it out, those close to me can only tell me to stop looking and it will come, that doesn't make me feel any better.

Maybe it's all good and not all bad though. I've been thinking about it, and really was just joking about moving back east, specifically to Boston, no reason, other than it's a liberal kinda place and lots of Irish people live there. So I was with some close friends of mine, and after some lively conversation about judgment from people that aren't really in a place to judge a situation, and completely fruitless in having the conversation either way... I was straight up challenged that I should find myself. To go on a pilgrimage, to drop it all and loose myself. In fact my brother in law said if I can name exactly where I would go, I should go.

Well I said it, I'd go to Boston, and find something, try and get on a ship's crew and get my bottom to Ireland. I'd really like to spend some time in the monasteries in Ireland and Wales, throughout the British Isle's and then into Europe. I don't know why, but I do.

So as we're leaving the restaurant that we are at this guy asks us how our day has been. We all gave the normal good, great, ect. He tells us his day has been hell. Apparently his house was lost in the fires, along with his Truck, and by truck I mean his Tractor-trailer. He's a truck driver and he wasn't able to evacuate his big rig when he had to leave. Insurance is covering it all, but if you know anyone who drives long haul, his truck is part of his being.

One of the guys says he'll be praying for him, but the guy kept going on and it was going to be rude to leave. I had already been prompted by the spirit and couldn't stop, I went and sat next to him, even though he was lighting up a cigarette, when I got the chance I stopped him, and offered to pray with him right there, which he was happy to receive. It was perfect, the spirit of God moving through me to call into this man's life the power of God. It's what I've been missing, it's what I've lost.

So long story short, I'm going to go on a long term pilgrimage/missionary trip that will last as long as the Lord leads, possibly for a few years. I need to find myself, but mostly I need to find my faith, and learn to constantly rely on the Lord as my strength.

Total Reflection

So tonight I found this blog again, which I created about 3 years ago, while I was working at Radio Shack. As humor has it, I am once again working at the Shack, only this time I am a Manager in Training, and will most likely get my own store after the first of the year.

But that's not what I want to talk about. See as I look back on these old blogs, and read the blogs I just copied over from MySpace, I become sad, mostly because of how much I have been lacking in intelligent thought. Nothing is inspiring me. Even in my times of greatest despair, I was able to at least convey the depth of human emotion, and now it's merely dribble, if anything at all. I wonder how much California has changed me, and what I need to do about it.

Maybe I should move to New York, or Boston, and get a completely different atmosphere, or maybe I just need to find a job, that can really be a career.

As I get ready to go home, for a nice little visit, I wonder how things will be, how they will be different and how they will be the same. Have I left them behind or have they left me behind, do I expect the memories to be fresh and alive, or dead and gone. Do I want to say goodbye again, or get ready to move back?

I guess it all depends on what happens. And we will see.

Please feel free to look through all my posts, some of them are very dark. I wish that people would comment, if nothing more than so I know that someone read them. I know they are read, but have no idea by whom. I've logged well over 2100 views on MySpace in the last year, but only can be sure of a few people who read them.

Scientific Personality Test

My score on The LONG Scientific Personality Test:


ENTP - The Inventor
(You scored 63% I to E, 47% N to S, 83% F to T, and 52% J to P!)


The single word that describes your type is "inventor", and you belong to the larger group called rationals. You love to tinker with things and come up with new ideas. You are outgoing and curious with an insatiable appetite for knowledge. You have no real desire to lead, only doing so if there is no other way. 2% of the population share your personality type.
You are a flirtateous and energetic romantic partner, fun and engaging, always looking for something unusual to try. In your enthusiam, you may make promises you can't keep. Your competitive nature and need to be perceived as an expert can be daunting to a romantic partner at times. You so enjoy the tug of a good debate that sometimes you act as if you don't take anything seriously. You are usually very supportive and helpful to your mate, but somewhat scattered and unable to devote your full attention there. You feel most appreciated for your great ideas, unusual perceptiveness, and ability to understand and communicate with people. You feel most appreciated when your partner understands your need for lots of social contact and your need to live life as spontaneously as possible.
Your group summary: rationals (NT)
Your type summary: ENTP

Clarification

Clarification

After a wonderful chat with my roommate, I realize that I need to clarify a few things, especially for fellow believers in the way. Mainly it's the idea that I am more politically minded than heavenly minded.

It is because of my faith that I am against genocide. It is because of my faith that I believe in helping the downtrodden. It is because of my faith that I have all the passions that I have. Without my faith, all the passions of this world, all the areas that my heart bleeds to help, are but chaff, if it were not for my Lord Jesus Christ.

If the evangelical church in this country truly believed the gospel of Christ, I would be an activist through those organizations. Most people who claim that Jesus is theirs, that claim identity in Christ are not of his, but wicked goats.

James 1:27 Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.

I do walk around with a cloak of stealth many times, and it serves a two-fold purpose:

1 All of us form quick judgments about people and have pre-conceived notions. It is then the job of the other person to breakdown these notions if they really want to have a relationship with the other. This being said, if the first thing I lead off with when introducing myself to someone is that I'm a "Christian" I automatically lost the ability to share with them anything at all, but if I show a common interest in some activism, which I do truly believe in, then through showing that passion I can witness to them, and at least breakdown the barrier idea that "All Christians are….." I have been able to "that I know of" witness my faith to many "unreachable" people, because I lead with my heart, instead of my "religion".

2 I see many people who even proclaim to be burning with passion for Christ, to be lukewarm at best when it comes to the greater works of self sacrifice. It is an area that I feel called to, that is to show Christians another side to their faith, one that is compassionate and kind, basically the polar opposite of the "protestant work ethic" which is a philosophy alive and well in our churches. So in speaking on seemingly political issues to Christians, my goal is to bring them outside of their bubble and look at the world from a different standpoint.

What is troubling to me, is I know several people that I am the most liberal person they know, and as many of my truly liberal friends know, I am at best a moderate.

I know that many people do not believe that anything for the gospel can be done through secular groups and means, but if it is an issue I believe in being active for, I will support it, if possible through a faith based org, but that is rarely the case. Also through my working with people who have a heart for the poor, or stopping genocide around the world, my group of people is untouchable by most who call themselves the body of Christ.

So really what is the end of all of this? I am pondering starting faith based political orgs. Starting petitions and hopefully reaching people to get involved with the softer side of activism, who want nothing to do with the world. Maybe I could get petitions started by faith based groups and have an even larger impact.

After all, who should be the most outraged by the Darfur genocide of Christian ethnic Africans, but Arab Muslims?

Shouldn't it be the body of Christ?

Why is it Atheists?

Edit: my sister did point out that hardly anyone, Christian or Atheist is truly caring for those in need.

What the Lord has done for me

I love the LORD, because he has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy. Because he inclined his ear to me, therefore I will call on him as long as I live. The snares of death encompassed me; the pangs of Sheol laid hold on me; I suffered distress and anguish. Then I called on the name of the LORD: "O LORD, I pray, deliver my soul!" Gracious is the LORD, and righteous; our God is merciful. The LORD preserves the simple; when I was brought low, he saved me. Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the LORD has dealt bountifully with you. For you have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling; I will walk before the LORD in the land of the living. I believed, even when I spoke, "I am greatly afflicted"; I said in my alarm, "All mankind are liars." What shall I render to the LORD for all his benefits to me? I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the LORD, I will pay my vows to the LORD in the presence of all his people. Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints. O LORD, I am your servant; I am your servant, the son of your maidservant. You have loosed my bonds. I will offer to you the sacrifice of thanksgiving and call on the name of the LORD. I will pay my vows to the LORD in the presence of all his people, in the courts of the house of the LORD, in your midst, O Jerusalem. Praise the LORD! Psalms 116

As I read these words this morning I was greatly lifted up by them and I hope you were too.

Cosmic Killjoy

The reason we think God is the "Cosmic Killjoy" is because of Greek Syncretism. We misunderstand God to be something like Zeus. This is an evil that continually impregnates our church and faith as we loose sight on the Hebraic heritage and foundation that we have been loosing since the Bar Kokhba's revolt, 132–135 CE. Yes the Jewish revolt from 66-73 CE and the Kitos War from 115-117 CE did cause division, it held nothing on the Bar Kokhba revolt. The main part of this is the Sanhedrin (Jewish ruling body) proclaimed Simon Bar Kokhba as the Messiah, who would finally defeat the oppressor's and rebuild the Jewish Nation, which for a time he did.

The consequences of this decision though would have monumental effects on the Christian sect, as believers in the way held Yeshua ben Yoseph (Jesus son of Joseph) as their Messiah, and the Schism that became of this, lasts to this day. The problem being that by rejecting the Hebraic heritage of the scriptures, and the festivals that accompany them, there is no culture to hang onto. Thus began the absorption of pagan ideas and culture into the church.

Most of the complaints against the Roman Catholic Church stem from absorption of pagan ways, including Saint Worship, as just one example. Unfortunately for us, the fathers of the Great Reformation did not have the foresight to dispel all pagan ideas and fully return us to the faith of the Scripture.

This my friends has much to do with why we see Yahweh as a Killjoy and not the God of our celebrations. If we partook in the festivals and feast day's that are our true heritage, you might start seeing God as the one who created all that their is to enjoy on this earth.

Now I'm not a proponent of Hedonism, but our Christianity should not look like we are Buddhists either.

Like what I have to say? Offended? Otherwise?

Let me know, it's late at night and I might have blurred through a thought.

Sojourning, a day at home sick.

All thoughts are welcome.

As I sit here with the longing desire for companionship, I race a million thoughts through my head at once trying to make sense of everything.

It is obvious that the natural state of all people is to desire intimate companionship. The story of the garden in Eden describes to us why. We are not whole as male or female. God separated a complete being, so that to fill the need for another we could look to ourselves. It is very interesting that God saw fit to do this when we had a relationship with him. Also when God did separate the complete being and make two that were necessarily interdependent on each other, he knew that they would choose each other over him, as seen when Adam eats the fruit instead of turning her in for the trespass. Why is it that God would do that? It's not that I want to question the judgment of the creator of all things, God did give me this mind though, and I'm betting I'm expected to use it.

So what is it that I should do? I'm told by married people that I should just pursue God, and that as I'm going along on the way that I can look beside me and whoever is running with me ….. Blah blah blah. I see this as utter foolishness. For one thing no one does that. I challenge anyone to tell me they were going along doing their ministry and one day they said, "hmm, I've been at this for a few months or years now, maybe someone is doing the same ministry, and would make a good wife, lets look around and see." Fat chance, not going to happen. They noticed them from the moment they walked into their lives.

So why do we play all these coy games? Honestly, I can think of at least 3 or 4 women who I find attractive and wish I could get to know better. The funny thing is I know that any one of them would make a wonderful wife, and I knew that after minutes of talking to them. Most people who read this will think a few things from that statement, from "he's crazy" to "he's immature and idealistic" to "totally off base". The fact of the matter is that more people get married by arranged marriages in the world today, then people that pick their own spouse. So riddle me this. How is it that the arranged marriages have great odds of success and our pick your spouse marriages have a high rate of failure?

Ahh but this is too easy. It comes down simply to humility, and meekness. As someone who has been through a failed marriage, I can tell you, 90% of it is dying to yourself and being committed to making it work. But it didn't work for me. Yes, this is true, and this is true because I should not have been married to that woman. Besides the environmental concerns around us getting together there was also the statistics that made a successful marriage nearly impossible. From the 15, 13, and 11 year old sons of hers, to her being 35 years old and myself 25, to her making twice as much money as me at the time, and the list goes on. But those by themselves can all be excuses. Then there is the previous drug use on her part for 10 years and the lingering paranoia associated with all that. Still that was not enough. The fact that I was recovering from a porn addiction, that was caused by my early childhood, and she was a full blown sex fiend. That made things much harder. The fact that although I could and did forgive her of every little thing she did, she could not forgive not taking the trash out, because it was the end of the day (whether it needed it or not), this had a lot to do with it. No all these things and many more were contributing factors to the divorce. But this is not what caused it. The action that drove her to ask for the divorce was this: in marriage counseling I set the bar at working things out as only in the therapists office, and that I did not feel that any real resolutions could come outside of his walls for the time being. The next morning she called me and told me she wanted a divorce, and she demanded alimony. I paid her electricity for the rest of the year, because I knew she couldn't and didn't want the children to go through that hardship.

The point of all this is that if one person compromises and dies to themselves, the a marriage can almost work. If both people are willing to go even half way you will have a successful marriage. If both people can go all the way, nothing but death it's self will be able to separate two people. So seriously, lets get over ourselves. There is no right one, there is no "perfect person that God created for me". Two people talk, have charisma, feel that chemical draw when they sense a like or compatible response from the soul of another, well give it enough time to make sure that they both are up to the challenge of dying to themselves and starting a life with the other person. As long as they don't drive you nuts on anything huge, well you should do just fine.

I'm not saying have a shotgun wedding, I'm just saying that we make things much more complicated than they need to be. Every one of us knows if we like a person and knows if we don't. I wish I could take everyone in my circle of influence and make them honestly answer every person that they feel compatible with as lovers, friends, associates, or in no way. That we could all be mature about it, and live with the results of said survey. People would have to get over childish issues and be real.

I hate having to hid my feelings for a person because they might get scared off. Seriously, and this isn't a have to hide the feelings because she might get creeped out because I'm weird and she wouldn't have anything to do with me ever anyway, but because things are so awkward with so many people that no one knows how to handle this kind of thing anymore.
Multiple people can like multiple other people and that should be fine. The human heart can be fond of multiple people at one time without there being something wrong with them. When it moves beyond that, and a commitment is involved, that is a different story all together. I don't know, I'm mostly just rambling. Maybe I'm just too impatient. Maybe God is withholding the floodgates at this time because I'm in the valley below and need to get to the other side before he can release all his blessing. Or maybe the valley that I am in is the blessing that God has for me and that I am recovering. Who knows. I enjoy my flesh searing too much and need to just let it stew in the pot and get done. You can't apply too much heat to Gold while smelting or it will all burn away…. Too many metaphors and parables, not enough straight answers.

We all have goals for ourselves, and things we need to do in order to feel achieved and successful. That we are really doing the work that God called us too, and that our Father is pleased with us. Maybe this is all fleshly and the desires of youth. Maybe we don't need to go on mission trips and be evangelists, be on staff at a church to be really doing the work we were called to. Otherwise how dysfunctional would we be. I'm not saying that some people aren't called for such things. Maybe I'm not. Is that wrong? What is it that I really am called to? What if it's nothing? What if I'm just supposed to be? Is it my pride that riles against that thought? Were all those pastors prophesying about me and the calling that God has for me wrong? Were the feelings in my own heart wrong? Was it all to get attention? Was I over achieving my whole life to feel accepted? What if at the same time I don't let myself be accepted? What if the real problem is I find a way to be edgy against whatever group I am around not to be controversial, but to make sure I cannot be accepted, in some sort of self fulfilling prophecy.

Well I know that a lot of those things are foolish questions because I already know the answer.

I'm not always controversial, I am outspoken, and when people disagree on topics, I tend to focus on that subject. It's out of some ingrained draw to build people. I think that if two brothers are in disagreement that the best course of action is to focus on it, and have a verbal spar about it maturely. Even if they never agree and only disagree all the more, both parties should be sharper for it, and that is good.

I'm perfectly content being a layperson, and in fact I do feel that is the spot that I am called to for at least the next 5 years. I have no aspirations for leadership. At least not formal leadership.

Is that enough of an adventure for any woman who really has a passion for God? Is it appealing? "Hey, I'm planting myself right here, I'm going to work at a job, maybe move up, and enjoy life. I'm not going to try to have any advancements in leadership at the church, and I'm just going to relax for once. Want to join me?"

Is there someone out there that really desires that? That can live with all my eccentric behaviour and off the wall thoughts on things. That will argue the wrong side of a debate because it is more fun. That challenges the status quo because it is the status quo.

Do I scare women off because that's the way I am? Do they feel that they can't please me because I want someone like that?

What if I'm looking for balance? What if I'm looking for someone to call me on my crap, and sense when I'm pushing someone too far and I need to let the prey go.

So tell me what you think of all or any of this.