Kicked While Down

I wonder some times in my life why it seems that I have had it extra hard. I remind myself of others whose plights have far surpassed mine. Why am I such a selfish little child who thinks the world is after him? What is it inside me that is bent on destruction, to push the bonds of any and every friendship, and to dig a ever deepening hole to wallow into?..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

I can feel it again. Waves of destruction that I have seen shatter the life of my father. He described it as the spirit of Thanatos... I have called myself Thanatos Jr, as he himself embraced whatever this force is. For the past few years I have tried to fight it though. I mask the pain and try and hide it, I take the energy and harness it to dive into the pursuit that I have. The whole time feeling fake, having to far succeed anyone around me to prove that I in fact am not faking. It doesn't help though, only puts me in the limelight, so the profoundly simpleton mistakes are taken in full light and my life is once again shot into the mire.

I cry out for my God, but the cries always seem to bounce off the heavens and dissipate. Maybe my worldview is so skewed that I cannot see truth in front of me. Here in is the problem. Any answer I have come up with all point to the lack of a supreme being that I can call Abba. How can I so blatantly say this? I don't wish it and feel in my soul that it cannot be true. But with everything I know to be a broken and contrite heart I have called out, and all expectations have been driven into the mud. If I am off base, would not my God help me understand? How could my understanding be so off that I miss the all knowing creator of the Universe? How could a father who wants his son in his arms and in comfort to allow his son to be looking in the opposite direction of him, wallowing and crying, and that father not come to the son where he is at and teach him to see the truth?

With all these questions, I then have to ask: Everything to this point, has it all been in my head? What about the dark arts? I have in fact seen manifestation of power unable to be defined by chance or science. Could that all be soul power? But the same miracles I have not seen in the light, only things that could all be in someone's head. I have also had my trust destroyed by who I kneeled to. How can a father let someone be so destroyed? I don't know how I could have been more passionately for God, I gave up all to serve my King as best I could, and it all comes back as chaff. What then is the answer?

Those that I have respect for recommend that I bask in the shade of the palm and let the healing take place; to get to a safe harbor with solid teaching and rest for a year or so. This is fine and well, just not something that I can seem to do. I don't know how, and that isn't even possible. The demon fights inside, battling for control, and resistance seems ultimately futile. Where is the hope? Where is the peace? How then is this yoke applied?

Or am I simply damned? Had I tasted of heavenly things and seen the promise of the world to come and then reject? Have I blasphemed the Spirit of God? Am I a pot fashioned for destruction?

If not, why would everything in the bedrock of my being scream these accusations from the mountaintops?