hopeless love

I still am not there. I think I will be there one day, I say I will, actually I've stopped saying I'll change. It doesn't matter if I say I'll change or not. I wake up every morning, and still roll over for more sleep instead of waking up and spending time with my heavenly father who woke me up so I could spend time with him. Every morning my flesh is alive. I've fed it too much. I need to kill him. I need to starve my flesh. I wish I could just go hermit myself for a few months. But I'm wounded, I'm in pain, I'm suffering, but like a wounded animal I snap when someone tries to help. You might want to clean my wounds and bandage me up, but I'm in pain and not thinking straight. I'd kill you as soon as let you near enough to me to hurt me more. I can tell you don't want to, I can tell you want to help, but right now all I feel is the pain, hurt, and betrayal from a million times past.

You say that you love me, but the first person I ever saw that said they loved me abused me. He taught me how to see women as objects, taught me how to mess with their minds, how to get them to do what I wanted, how to make them my toys. He showed me the world in all it's glory. The next person that said they loved me that day I was born put me in babysitter's arms for 22 hours a day. she was to busy partying, and when it cost her to much she was the one that put me into the arms of that monster that let me sit in the laps of naked women at 18 months old. For the first 22 years of my life, every one that told me they loved me used me, they abused me, they just wanted me to trust them enough to destroy my life. Oh yes, I learned the art too, believe me, I love you just as much as you love me.

So when you tell me you love me, my bloody brused heart wants to let you get close enough to victimize it again, but do you see now why I don't know what my Abba's love means?

Just to let you all in on my secret

I'm not okay. I haven't been okay for quite some time. I can't get over myself. I know what I'm supposed to do. I give credence to so many truths of God, but I don't rely upon them. I don't want to die, I like the way I think, I like who I am. I can do just fine on my own.

I'm running, I'm burning, but at the same time I don't feel it. I don't really care (it's not affecting my actions)...feel like dying, but I wouldn't kill myself, because I know I'd take part in the second death. I'm running from where I should be, and my soul is burning up. I know I'll die twice if I stay like this. I guess I'm depressed, I feel like crying but can't. It's more than depression, it's apathy. I want to snap at you for telling me to snap out of it, but I know it's wrong, and I also don't think it's worth my time. I can't get over myself. I'm too important. I know it's not true, but that's what I really believe. I need to die, but I wont go through with it. I'm letting my feelings get in the way. I am blocking myself from dying. I am my worst enemy. I keep myself enslaved to Satan, I keep myself in bondage. I wont let go. I don't know what to do, but facing myself is not what I want to do. I feel like I will run forever, but if I run I will surely die, that is the second death. If my current mind isn't reversed, I will go to hell, I will be damned for all time. I will deserve it, we all deserve it, but I wouldn't have heeded the warning, I would reject the gift of life given to me by the Creator of the world, and why.... because of my pride and arrogance.

I don't have answers, I know I need to change. pray for God to deal with me.