Just to let you all in on my secret

I'm not okay. I haven't been okay for quite some time. I can't get over myself. I know what I'm supposed to do. I give credence to so many truths of God, but I don't rely upon them. I don't want to die, I like the way I think, I like who I am. I can do just fine on my own.

I'm running, I'm burning, but at the same time I don't feel it. I don't really care (it's not affecting my actions)...feel like dying, but I wouldn't kill myself, because I know I'd take part in the second death. I'm running from where I should be, and my soul is burning up. I know I'll die twice if I stay like this. I guess I'm depressed, I feel like crying but can't. It's more than depression, it's apathy. I want to snap at you for telling me to snap out of it, but I know it's wrong, and I also don't think it's worth my time. I can't get over myself. I'm too important. I know it's not true, but that's what I really believe. I need to die, but I wont go through with it. I'm letting my feelings get in the way. I am blocking myself from dying. I am my worst enemy. I keep myself enslaved to Satan, I keep myself in bondage. I wont let go. I don't know what to do, but facing myself is not what I want to do. I feel like I will run forever, but if I run I will surely die, that is the second death. If my current mind isn't reversed, I will go to hell, I will be damned for all time. I will deserve it, we all deserve it, but I wouldn't have heeded the warning, I would reject the gift of life given to me by the Creator of the world, and why.... because of my pride and arrogance.

I don't have answers, I know I need to change. pray for God to deal with me.