Finding Myself
So the last few weeks I've been getting restless. At first I began thinking that there was something wrong with me. That I just couldn't settle down and enjoy life for what it is. That I needed to stick things out and live with my life and make it work, but the desire to run has just gotten stronger. But at the same time I do not think it's a desire to run, as much as it's a desire to find.
Moving down here to San Diego was the worst, and yet the best choice I could have made. On the surface it is horrible, I'm not a good fit, I have to constantly bite my tongue and not get in arguments about every needless little thing. The weather is most disagreeable for me, all in all, it's not the life for me. I must do something different.
On the other hand, it did get me out of Portland, which although I love, was causing me nothing but pain and was my mire. I don't know how I've changed, but people seem to think that I have.
Also I have been desperately desiring love, which has completely alluded me. I haven't been able to figure it out, those close to me can only tell me to stop looking and it will come, that doesn't make me feel any better.
Maybe it's all good and not all bad though. I've been thinking about it, and really was just joking about moving back east, specifically to Boston, no reason, other than it's a liberal kinda place and lots of Irish people live there. So I was with some close friends of mine, and after some lively conversation about judgment from people that aren't really in a place to judge a situation, and completely fruitless in having the conversation either way... I was straight up challenged that I should find myself. To go on a pilgrimage, to drop it all and loose myself. In fact my brother in law said if I can name exactly where I would go, I should go.
Well I said it, I'd go to Boston, and find something, try and get on a ship's crew and get my bottom to Ireland. I'd really like to spend some time in the monasteries in Ireland and Wales, throughout the British Isle's and then into Europe. I don't know why, but I do.
So as we're leaving the restaurant that we are at this guy asks us how our day has been. We all gave the normal good, great, ect. He tells us his day has been hell. Apparently his house was lost in the fires, along with his Truck, and by truck I mean his Tractor-trailer. He's a truck driver and he wasn't able to evacuate his big rig when he had to leave. Insurance is covering it all, but if you know anyone who drives long haul, his truck is part of his being.
One of the guys says he'll be praying for him, but the guy kept going on and it was going to be rude to leave. I had already been prompted by the spirit and couldn't stop, I went and sat next to him, even though he was lighting up a cigarette, when I got the chance I stopped him, and offered to pray with him right there, which he was happy to receive. It was perfect, the spirit of God moving through me to call into this man's life the power of God. It's what I've been missing, it's what I've lost.
So long story short, I'm going to go on a long term pilgrimage/missionary trip that will last as long as the Lord leads, possibly for a few years. I need to find myself, but mostly I need to find my faith, and learn to constantly rely on the Lord as my strength.
Moving down here to San Diego was the worst, and yet the best choice I could have made. On the surface it is horrible, I'm not a good fit, I have to constantly bite my tongue and not get in arguments about every needless little thing. The weather is most disagreeable for me, all in all, it's not the life for me. I must do something different.
On the other hand, it did get me out of Portland, which although I love, was causing me nothing but pain and was my mire. I don't know how I've changed, but people seem to think that I have.
Also I have been desperately desiring love, which has completely alluded me. I haven't been able to figure it out, those close to me can only tell me to stop looking and it will come, that doesn't make me feel any better.
Maybe it's all good and not all bad though. I've been thinking about it, and really was just joking about moving back east, specifically to Boston, no reason, other than it's a liberal kinda place and lots of Irish people live there. So I was with some close friends of mine, and after some lively conversation about judgment from people that aren't really in a place to judge a situation, and completely fruitless in having the conversation either way... I was straight up challenged that I should find myself. To go on a pilgrimage, to drop it all and loose myself. In fact my brother in law said if I can name exactly where I would go, I should go.
Well I said it, I'd go to Boston, and find something, try and get on a ship's crew and get my bottom to Ireland. I'd really like to spend some time in the monasteries in Ireland and Wales, throughout the British Isle's and then into Europe. I don't know why, but I do.
So as we're leaving the restaurant that we are at this guy asks us how our day has been. We all gave the normal good, great, ect. He tells us his day has been hell. Apparently his house was lost in the fires, along with his Truck, and by truck I mean his Tractor-trailer. He's a truck driver and he wasn't able to evacuate his big rig when he had to leave. Insurance is covering it all, but if you know anyone who drives long haul, his truck is part of his being.
One of the guys says he'll be praying for him, but the guy kept going on and it was going to be rude to leave. I had already been prompted by the spirit and couldn't stop, I went and sat next to him, even though he was lighting up a cigarette, when I got the chance I stopped him, and offered to pray with him right there, which he was happy to receive. It was perfect, the spirit of God moving through me to call into this man's life the power of God. It's what I've been missing, it's what I've lost.
So long story short, I'm going to go on a long term pilgrimage/missionary trip that will last as long as the Lord leads, possibly for a few years. I need to find myself, but mostly I need to find my faith, and learn to constantly rely on the Lord as my strength.
posted by Zack Dawley at 12:16 AM
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