Ultimate Pain and the lack of understanding
How do you explain to the one you love that you cannot feel. That your heart has died and that the anger that rages inside you cannot be quelled. That you do not want to hurt them but you cannot see past the rage in your eyes. You hear those around you talking about happiness and joy, while you can only taste the salty blood of a thousand broken hearts. You want everything to be alright but it is not. You want desperately to see others needs and be what they want.
Hurt and pain are your bedfellows and you know them well, bitterness and rage are your companions, life has dealt a hand unexplainable and you want to be normal, but don't understand what that means. How do you explain to a person who has not experienced the torment that you live why things are the way they are. How do you explain that the holidays are days of sorrow and torment? How?
When no one believes that the man that bore you will actually kill you on sight, how do you explain? When the man who replaced him seems only concerned with judging your wrongs, and although will do much for you, the stark reality is there that you are not accepted. That he does the things he does to make his wife happy. That she does her best to love you, though she hates you for being your father's son, but the reality is there. When you feel in every corner of your soul the fact that you were born to the damned and that those you need to love you cannot accept you. That the game of being normal has gone for so long that you cannot see what real is.
What do you do?
When you know the sociopathy of your father because it courses through your veins. When schizophrenic tendency is your bedfellow, but you can fight. When you have the intellect to understand the depth of all the classics in your palm, but cannot interact with humanity. How do you explain to someone to the point where they understand that you are on the verge of fractured personality, that you know how easy it would be, but wont give in? How do you share these things? How do you explain advanced autistic spectrum disorders? How do you survive in a world that does not understand? And how do you love?
How do you believe in a God that seems not interested in answering your pain? Who comforts you for a moment, but that you cannot seem to follow? When you understand deep issues, but cannot resolve your own depravity, and all those around cannot see the surface of what you comprehend, but can live in death to their passions. Where is the point where suicide no longer is selfish? When it is no longer giving up?
How do you prove you are not a pot made for damnation? How do you accept this fate if it's real? What is the purpose of a life that can only find pain? When you sojourn but only find less hope. How could you give all your trust to people that have no intention of anything but hurt? What do you say to the soul who's whole reality has been destroyed? At what point is it too much? At what point are the lessons learned? What is it that it takes? How do you change what you cannot change? How do you learn to heal? How do you learn to get better?
When you have cried out and cannot find the answers, when you have had the broken and contrite heart only written of, when life has ended and you feel your soul dissolve into the ashes of history, but your brain still functions, you still are walking around among the living but are dead, when nothing will satisfy and nothing heals, when no balm will sooth, no embrace comfort, no words bring anything but anger, what do you say? How can such a soul impart the knowledge of such things to another? How can this soul be mended?
Hurt and pain are your bedfellows and you know them well, bitterness and rage are your companions, life has dealt a hand unexplainable and you want to be normal, but don't understand what that means. How do you explain to a person who has not experienced the torment that you live why things are the way they are. How do you explain that the holidays are days of sorrow and torment? How?
When no one believes that the man that bore you will actually kill you on sight, how do you explain? When the man who replaced him seems only concerned with judging your wrongs, and although will do much for you, the stark reality is there that you are not accepted. That he does the things he does to make his wife happy. That she does her best to love you, though she hates you for being your father's son, but the reality is there. When you feel in every corner of your soul the fact that you were born to the damned and that those you need to love you cannot accept you. That the game of being normal has gone for so long that you cannot see what real is.
What do you do?
When you know the sociopathy of your father because it courses through your veins. When schizophrenic tendency is your bedfellow, but you can fight. When you have the intellect to understand the depth of all the classics in your palm, but cannot interact with humanity. How do you explain to someone to the point where they understand that you are on the verge of fractured personality, that you know how easy it would be, but wont give in? How do you share these things? How do you explain advanced autistic spectrum disorders? How do you survive in a world that does not understand? And how do you love?
How do you believe in a God that seems not interested in answering your pain? Who comforts you for a moment, but that you cannot seem to follow? When you understand deep issues, but cannot resolve your own depravity, and all those around cannot see the surface of what you comprehend, but can live in death to their passions. Where is the point where suicide no longer is selfish? When it is no longer giving up?
How do you prove you are not a pot made for damnation? How do you accept this fate if it's real? What is the purpose of a life that can only find pain? When you sojourn but only find less hope. How could you give all your trust to people that have no intention of anything but hurt? What do you say to the soul who's whole reality has been destroyed? At what point is it too much? At what point are the lessons learned? What is it that it takes? How do you change what you cannot change? How do you learn to heal? How do you learn to get better?
When you have cried out and cannot find the answers, when you have had the broken and contrite heart only written of, when life has ended and you feel your soul dissolve into the ashes of history, but your brain still functions, you still are walking around among the living but are dead, when nothing will satisfy and nothing heals, when no balm will sooth, no embrace comfort, no words bring anything but anger, what do you say? How can such a soul impart the knowledge of such things to another? How can this soul be mended?
posted by Zack Dawley at 9:55 PM
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